traces of the wind

been absent from blogging for more than 1 months i guess. this job is, slowly eating up all my mental strength. well, juz gotta do it i guess.
into this very significant 2 weeks that is gonna determine my next 2 mths. if i can get my current project done, then the show goes on for the next few months. otherwise, its time to walk away i believe.
either way, God will show the way.

2 nites ago, another psalm 23 inspired song came out from my mouth. hope God like it. gonna put that piece, with notes if i can get my colleague help, on here. somehow need to put down anything i think about.

been watching tian long ba bu recently, the jimmy lin's version. as always, tian long ba bu is rich in fabulous female characters. this one is not a very true to the original script version, but watchable nonetheless. i juz need to complete my knowledge of jin yong's novels. when my mandarin got better, i would read the novels.

oh yeah.. last weekend was truly memorable. went for our 5th batch 5 anniversary at marina bay (where else). had fun catching up wif some 16 old friends. then went off to celebrate our cell mate's bday. went for 1AM bowling, 2AM pool, 3AM walk in the park and stay up until 6AM playing cards with them. Winded up the bday party with seoul garden dinner and watching polar express with them on sunday. thx God for those ppl, they are juz amazingly sincere, funny, and cute.

Had I grown? It's December and what am I doing here? Still in search of answers to some life questions..
The first of the 2 deadly weeks has passed. I have another week to soldier on. Bring it on..
It's time to think about my next year's resolution. I think, there should be one resolution worth pondering on. That is, to answer this question:
What is the value of your existence? You have many values that can be easily replaced by another humans. But you certainly have one value that is unique to yourself. That's why you are created.

Anyway, what McD meal are you? Well I am:



which means:
You are the Vegetable delux. You are quiet and keep to your self, often you feel alone or fogotten, but you dont mind, you are an individual, and the people who matter will rememebr you.

Whatever that suppose to mean..
Wanna try? Go here ->McD Personality Test

one thing i always like about my ex is the way she view our relationship. never for once she would ask "will you love me forever?" coz she somehow knew all along that i am not the one who would tell her "i will love you forever". she always said, "let's juz take this day by day". sounds like irresponsible prat who aint got the gut to commit to anything isn't it? but that's the way we are.

i guess i juz saw too much, among my family, among my frens.. juz too much to convince me that this relationship is something you can only savour while it lasts. even marriage, can only do as much to keep you from diverting. never say never. even the most loyal boyfriend can betray you. even the most caring girlfriend can carelessly lose her heart to someone else.

break up, divorce, affair. who is to blame when that happens? is it because you are not good enough to keep him? or because he is not faithful enough to you? or because the third party is juz darn seductive? ^^ it's no one's fault, if you ask me. it'z juz one of those things that is bound to happen. sometimes, you juz can't help it.

when you are trapped in your seemingly endless one-sided love story, struggling to end the chapter yet your heart betray you by zipping you back to the first page everytime you see her. who is to blame? is she too cruel? are you too lame? was God out of His mind to let you know such a person and go thru such a fruitless story? worse still, what was God thinking when He created a creature called man/woman?

but God can't be wrong, it's juz that we ain't got to the last chapter yet.

all that, i think, is juz like the wrong bus you are taking, the exam questions you answer wrongly, the poor weather forecast that ruin your picnic trip, juz another bitter side that comes with your life packge.

does true love exists? it does, always. at the very least, you got a Friend at the high place who love you truly ^^. will true love last? it will, if we can overcome our ego, i guess.

one last question. ain't woman created from man's rib? now, there are more women than men rite? so, for the rest of them, err whose rib did they come from? or do some men lose more than 1 rib? *grin*

~ tribute to my storyteller ~

don't know why, but i kept encountering the word 'gambling' lately. the strangest one was when my friend asked me if i got the song "God of wonder", by Third Day, as she intended to sing that for this week's youth service. somehow.. geez God forgives me, when i tried to sing that song on my own, i kept saying.. god of gambler... sigh... blame chow yun fat for his movie ^^

now speaking of gambling, i have been to genting twice. genting was my first encounter with the infamous entertainment source called casino. yupp, i played there, lost some 50-100 bucks in both times, i can't remember correctly. ah.. did i gamble? that depends on how you define gamble. anyway, i can safely say that God ain't put the talent in this field within my genes, and i suck at risk taking stuff. so... good for me huh. so why fancy genting? well.. this lil island is so lacking in thrilling stuff that those dices game appeal to me so much. and considering its cold weather, genting is perfect for getaway.

anyway, i did some googling tonite, and came up with this page:

Gambling Formula

to quote from the page:
it's common sense in life that persistence leads to successes. but in gambling, persistence leads to bankruptcy.

down the lane, first junction, few turn left, few turn rite, most walk on..
second junction, few turn back, few turn left, few turn rite, some walk on..
on and on and finally, reach a junction where only few still walk on..
even those who still walk with you, they don't walk on the same side of the road..
should you have turned left or rite in previous junctions? or should you have turned back?
have you walked down the wrong way?
are you in the rite side of the road?
why this path? ain't the joke on you?
sometimes the diverted fellows call you and you wonder if you should walk with them instead..
sometimes the ones who walk with you don't even bother if you are there, and you wonder if you should leave them instead..
then you realize.. it's not those whom you are still with that you must treasure..
it's those who still care about where you are that you must treasure..

some question your walking pace, the way you walk, the side you take, the direction you take. some laugh at it, some think you need to grow up.

so you tell them, "this is how i want to write my life story. my grandchildren may like your story more. but i know you can't write my kind of story. this is my story."

and who is it to say this is wisdom? this is simply, decision.

riddles, misteries, puzzles, quiz, i juz love them!!!!!

personality quiz are fun, no brainer, and at times useless coz no matter what the results are, they always say one or two gud things about u.. a dose of such fake praises every day is gud for your health u see..

so i took this quiz juz now:

What Social Status Are You?

And my result is:

You scored as alternative.
You're partially respected for being an individual in a conformist world yet others take you as a radical. You have no place in society because you choose not to belong there - you're the luckiest of them all, even if your parents are completely ashamed of you. Just don't take drugs ok?

Well.. back to work, try out some other tests later on

heck i don't even remember how to spell her name.. nvm..
now i know whats so fun about sing idol.. even if i rooted for no one but maia lee and sly.
its fun to bump into one of those finalists.. and it's so easy to happen in this small island.
now i know daphne was much much shorter than i thought.. and she'z pretty much a hip teenager rather than an auntie like teenager i tend to think. pretty cute in fact..
didn't have chance to take picture with her, didn't have camera anyway.. glad it wasn't fann wong i missed out on..

after months of searching for the song i fell in love with the moment i heard it in radio, i finally found out that i had the song in my own comp.. oh well.. sometimes the one you need so much is the one that has been around all along..

would've loved to look tough.. would've loved to face the storm and stand still..
but these feet betray me again and again..
i would run...
i would hide...
shen me ye ting bu dao..
shen me ye kan bu dao..
this soul just wanting to seek some peace..
coward..
faithless..
a place i can call home is no more..
hate it..
locking myself in the room, making it my very sanctuary..
where no soul can see my eyes and read my heart..
hate this heart that faint in the eye of impossibility..
hate this heart that constantly seek simplicity in the cruel world..
hate this heart that already gave up on believing..
hate this heart that care only for itself..
relearn love may be what this heart need after all..

goin for True Worshippers gig@orchard tonite. juz drop by to see sid mohede. still remember fondly the day i went for UPH chappel. a usual friday. usual chappel. unusual visitor. sid mohede was the worship leader that day. of course by then i was still too blur about christian music that his name meant nothing to me. even then, i thot he was such an inspirational worship leader. he knew how to rock u.

that's sid mohede, the vocalist of Giving My Best and True Worshippers... ah.. and how much I miss UPH, a fun, small, yet memorable univ..

it's almost christmas.. not that christmas really mean anything to me actually.. christmas, valentine, new year, easter, they are juz days..

juz that.. this is one of the moment when people love to do something for those they care about.. and people love to be treated well by those they care about..

so it's frustating when you want to do so much for someone you care about but you juz can't..
probably bcoz that person ain't fancy accepting your kindness..
probably bcoz that person can't accept your kindness..
probably bcoz you are never good enough to make that person happy..
probably bcoz that person is yet to exist..
probably bcoz.. we are just two parallel line that would only meet in eternity..

sometimes.. this world is so complex it becomes annoying..

having watched "putri gunung ledang", my mind suddenly flashed back to events that took place 10 years ago. I was junior high 2nd grade. we were then supposed to write a poem in our indonesian literature class.
i never thought of myself being poetic whatsoever, but neither did i consider myself being so lame in this field.
so it was pretty much shocking to me when my teacher looked at my poem and said "this is so much like a primary kids work".
the fact that i thought i have written a pretty good poem made his words all the more impactful.

he walked away and look at julius', my best friend, poem. now, although julius is a very smart kid and someone who i know really well, never did i know that he was so good at this. my teacher lavished him with praises.

i couldn't believe it. i read his poem again and again. it was more like chairil anwar's type. no bombastic words. just smart use of words, repetition, ireregular structuring and stuff that creates emotion when you read it.

emotion is the key.. a good poem, when you read it, must tickle your emotion accordingly.. you don't need oxford dictionary to come up with powerful poem.. what you need, is emotion...

i am not good at long term memory, but this is one of the events that shape my life. not that i am good at poem now, but i do learn how to appreciate the art. and i do learn that God is fair.

a year later, julius passed away due to leukemia and brain cancer.
in that little body that could never grow well due to his diseases, dwell a strong soul rich of emotion and determination i rarely see in any other person..
if he is still living now, he would have written some very good books and he would have taught me how to write good poems...

i wish i had written down his poem..
in this life, in the path i choose to take, good friends like julius don't appear very often..
in this less traveled path, solitude is still the longest lasting companion...

it was a cold cold morning.. even with my air con off, i need two blanket to keep me warm. and goodness me, this is a tropical island. few years on, maybe we gonna see snow here..
end of 2004, a year of miracle..
where God proves to me, nothing is ever impossible..
good and bad..
never had i had such a tough year.. so much internal and external problem that i am tempted to say i have learned a lot and to say that i have matured..
but only ignorant fool would say that..

some people think they have become wise only thru some accidents.. and think they know better than others..
don't tell me that unless you were there when tsunami hit those poor beaches.. unless you were there when US planes bombarded the helpless Iraq.. unless you were there when nurses were putting their life on the line by serving the SARS patients, unless you were there when some pshyco hijacked a plane and hit it to the twin tower..

no.. we are just some weaklings leaving in a peaceful island, spoiled brat who thought that we know a lot..
always thinking that we've been thru things other could never imagine, thinking that we are somewhat enlightened while others are still struggling to find their way..
well, those Aceh people beg to differ..

2004 have also been a one-sided love affair between me and God.. how much have been given, how little has I spent my time with Him..
2004, in a way, has been the beginning of a new chapter, in another way, has been pretty much uneventful and full of sadness..
2005 mark the end of my 2nd 12 year circle..
i don't think i am strong enough to live for too long..
it would be fantastic if God gives me another 4 12 year circle to live on.. i won't and don't want to ask for more..

2005, will the girl finally show up? will i finally smell the air of the land of rising sun? will i finally walk into the destiny i live my life for?