traces of the wind

would have been smelling the sakura had it not for some reasons... hope things will be better on september... amennn!!!! anyway its getting cooler in SG, which is good..

went for my ex-cafe boss' daughter bday last saturday. her husband, the ever charming Tony, said something that still linger in my mind: 'don't settle down too fast, broaden your horizon, walk the world and see more thing before you make that 'most important' decision'.. or you will regret it', well something like that..

maybe that's why for my 23 years of breathing, i almost always got it wrong when i fall for someone lol... i need to see more, experience more.. maybe.. sigh.. but i really wouldn't mind if the ONE turn out to be 'you', do you ever know that?

speaking bout the ONE, juz read a piece by Sumiko Tan, one of Life' correspondent. She was apparently bemused by Fann Wong's delaying of her marriage with, who else, MEE!!! =P its interesting to know that this Sumiko herself is a 41 yrs old single woman. And apparently, she regreted her decision to keep missing out on the busses. And apparently she thinks she had missed the last bus. Not necessarily so Ms. Sumiko.. love can be a strange story... anyway, would glad to see my beloved Fann got married now, 34 is just about time for her. And Christoph Lee, he looks like a nice guy. Surely she is not waiting for me rite =P

out of topic-- hmm considering taking my driving license currently, when i'm free and jobless...

ahhh... how outdated i am.. i juz watched the movie...
i couldn't figure any complicated story line could ever come from such a naive title.. and rightly so.. what a simplistic story..

trust me you won't so easily find your beloved in real life.. but i like the way they narrate the story... i like the female character's high school naiveness... i like the fact that her character is strikingly similar to my beloved sister' character...

and i like the fact that the male character's language of love is thru touches... but other than that, he is a totally different persona.. nothing like me...

overall.. a sweet naive movie saved by its female lead...

well promised someone that i would write a song for her and juz felt like doing it tonite.. not sure if she gonna like this one..

.:::kau seharusnya:::.

..::..
tiap cinta punya cerita,
mungkin kisah kita bukan paling indah
dan tanpa sepatu kaca
atau bahkan bunga putih maupun merah

tapi ini yang berdiam di ingatku...

reff
kau seharusnya mendengar
setiap puji terindah yang pernah kudengar
kau seharusnya terima
setiap bunga terindah yang pernah kujumpa
kau seharusnya kujaga
karna selainmu belum ada yang bisa
hadirkan rasa begini di jiwa

..::..
andai mampu kuubah
segala beda yang terlanjur ada
namun semua tinggal kisah
yang takkan lama mungkin kau lupa

tapi ini yang berdiam di ingatku...

reff
kau seharusnya adalah
hal terbaik Tuhan buat dihidupku
kau seharusnya selalu
tempat sgala harap dan cintaku berlabuh
kau seharusnya kujaga
namun jika memang ini jalan kita
kenanglah ini dan bahagialah

yeah...too many things to ponder on.. a family threatened to fall apiece, a job that is yet to come, a sudden ache on my back (well, this is negligible), and well.. a life to live on.. thx God I still have that last thing to ponder on...

lets start with something gud.. finally went to see the EIC band performing at wala2x last friday, then on sat, watched howl's moving castle with lid, sastro, ivan, en bun sama.. well, the last time i felt so inspired and fulfilled after watching a movie was when i watch the incredibles.. and b4 that? return of the king..

about howl:: the story is average, the conclusion is a bit awkward. other than that... pure magic =) despite its obvious relation with lucifer name-wise, i love calcifer soo much.. its the fire demon that fuel howl's castle to move around and so on.. markl is also cute, so is heen, howl's sensei's spy dog.. of course, the turnip head is sweet... the artwork, the imagination, the comedy... pure manga...

post howl, then went on to celebrate andre's bday at his house, no eggs, but he got his body 'molested' all over =) anyway, came back to the news of thierry henry's hattrick, 3-0 to arsenal. way to go...

got phone call from home that nite.. not expecting any gud news and well... juz wondering how hard it is to remain faithful to your wedding vow? how hard it is to not falling in love with another girl once you got married? how hard it is to find a perfect marriage? can't be harder than proving Einstein's time machine theory rite...

btw, heard a nice sermon by mark gowan today... another post...
i know im kinda down... en even my frens realized that... i juz dunno how to face this battle this time.. how i wish i am living another kind of life... and probably things won't hurt that much when you are just being sent over to this world alone..
had some nice chat with dian about gowan's sermon... felt better after that somehow...

anyway, not gonna complain much.. im given my name for a purpose.. and im living that name... till my very last breath.. i will sing of my Best Friend's love forever...

he is indeed a good preacher..
his cajun joke is also fun...

so he talked about gideon's soldiers... those 300 guys... i thot its gonna be another 'be like those aware soldiers, watch ur way of drinking water" kind of sermon...
not so..
he went on to say that its the element of 'surprise' created when gideon 'attacked' the camp just when the guards change shift... the new watching guards were just awake and not ready for such noise created by gideon's thrumpets....
so that surprise create an illusion... that the enemies thot they were surrounded... end up killing each other in dark.. the fact that they outnumber israelites remain.. God didn't send some extra angel army to help Gideon... but its the way the enemy perceive the situation that matters... they were so shocked that they were under the 'illusion' that they were attacked and outnumbered.

so... the interesting point is... the devil seems to learned the lesson and rite now... we happen to be in the enemy position and the devil in Gideon's position.. see.. the demon is always outnumbered, but he is smart at creating the illusion that make us feel we are so overwhelmed and outnumbered by the situation... we were under such illusion that we went panicking... and made the wrong decisions... how interesting is that... devils learned from gideon..

and how did the element of surprise create illusion? one condition:: the target must be caught offguard, sleeping.. juz like Gideon's story...
so.. if you find yourself tricked into devils' illusion, you must be caught offguard while you were spiritually sleeping...

this is told by dian... i think its coincidence... but really... it juz felt nice discussing about the sermons with her and maybe she did not realize it but i did feel somehow much2 better after that... thx....

so... know the term 'kingdom'? by definition its a teritory where A king rules over all the area, and where everybody else submit to him, no question asked. in return, the king will be your protector and provider. how cool is that? BUT, he will only be your protector and provider IF you are his people, and IF you are his people, you got to submit to him.. just because he protects and provides you, does not mean you get all the authorities.. he is still the owner of all those..

for example.. just because you juz healed somebody else, does not mean you got the authority or power to do that.. you are just being used by God as his partner to do the miracles.. the authorities are still his...

and things get ugly when you don't submit to him in your daily life and yet when problems come, you want to 'use' his authorities to solve your problems. and when things don't get better, you complain to him. ain't that insulting? you don't even consider him as your king and yet when you are in trouble, you want to use his power.. smart ass huh? don't expect an answer from the above in such situation..

the whole idea is... submit to him, and hes gonna be your protector and provider... he happens to be a faithful king and when he says he gonna protect you, that means as far as let his only son crucified...

been looking for that song for months and when i got it, i got pretty addicted to the song.. so finally got the translation, and well, despite its sad tone, voice and everything... surprise2... the lyric sounds pretty much happier than it should be..

.:::Waiting For You:::. by Anson Hu, courtesy of vy


golden coloured dance-shoes
accompanying the music
baby, your eyes are
a pool of deep lake water

but one moment clear, another moment vanishing,
burying, hiding inexplicable beauty
making me dizzy at the edge of the cliff
who'd have known, is gone in a blink of an eye

waiting for you
i'm waiting for you
waiting for you
kiss me at the night
why do you, cinderella,
leave me with unbounded memories?

waiting for you
i'm waiting for you
waiting for you
come here to my dream
holding your hand, endlessly going in circles
all the way till black hair turns into silver threads

waiting for you
waiting for you
until forever

.:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::.

but then, imagine this scenario::

the prince, ever since he understood that he was born bcoz 2 ppl fall in love, that many of the smiles around him was due to love..
and he began to want that someone who give him that very reason to smile.. even in the countless parties he attended, he couldn't find that person... till that very nite...

there stood a lady.. even in all her pretty dress and glass shoes, he could see that pure and humble soul in her.. so simple yet so beautiful and captivating, she's juz different from the rest...
they got along well and the prince knew he was damn in love.. he thot the next morning he woke up its gonna be different day for him.. the sky would looked different and the ground would felt different..

juz when everything was so real, so serene.. then the midnite clock stroke.. and all the sudden.. his new reason of believing he did have someone he can share his dreams and pains with.. that new reason turned away from him and left him all alone.. yet again... juz like thousand nites he had spent before.. or not quite...

the saddest thing was that.. juz before the midnite clock stroke, few hours before that, he already gave his heart to her.. and she was like a thief that got away with his heart without warning.. leaving him more empty than before...

leaving him with question after question.. leaving him endlessly longing for someone who only felt like a dream... and even if it was a dream, he was dying to dream of her yet again.. coz only in that dream, he felt so alive...

maybe... in that sense... when you long for someone who you could never touch.. someone as good as illusion and fairy tale..
it was a sad song after all...

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

and finally, some teasing line from me hehe::
could she see im picturing her there? could she see her name written all over the story?

watched hitch 2 days ago, discussing bout it like crazy.. why? coz it represents men's frustation.. as much as women hate to be manipulated by cheap tricks, they subconsciously demand some smart plans prepared before the men approach them.. u can't juz walk up to her, and say it in front of her face "i love you", plainly..
liked it most when will smith say it straight and plain "that's y its goddamn hard to fall in love"... overall, a good entertaining movie.. and morale of the story is:

basic principle::: nay... there is none...

anyway, watched korean serial, full house, casting Rain and Song Hye Gyo.. Rain is the combination of Jerry Yan and Vaness Wu, enough said.. and Hye Gyo... it's a great 'sin' for ladies and housewives not to know who this korean drama queen is.. well i said it...
she looks bit like my auntie, not surprising that my auntie got so many suitors since her teenage days... i never thot hye gyo was pretty.. well, she's not bad, but i thot she looked old.. this movie changed my idea anyway... she's cute, sweet, funny, clumsy and adorable in the movie..
that lady with limitless tears in endless love can be funny? well she's so clumsy and gullible there that she looks funny as well as adorable..

this is another fact that i find quite interesting.. clumsy girls, in some inexplicable ways, are somehow attractive and adorable.. as much as they hate to know that fact of course...

was asked to come out with song composition for our eating group... well.. may need some divine intervention.. not really in the mood, and never really have the talent, to compose happy songs.. let's see how...

oh.. and can you believe it? today i went to meet my cellgroup friend.. he said he's been thinking of the song to sing for our next cellgroup as he is gonna be the worship leader.. he said he thot of Hillsongs' through it all on his way to great world, where we met. when i heard that i was like.. " God, are You kidding me?" coz juz before i went out from my house to meet him, i suddenly thot of play a song and do an express worship session.. so i sang a song... guez what's the song?
goodness me.. exactly the same song..

that means we thot of and sing the same song at around the same time, in different place.. now.. that is divinte intervention...

Never really know what that once famous manga was about. But kinda like the title.. used to like orange color till I was around 7/8, then I started to tolerate yellow and if you ask me now, I'm not really sure which one I like best. Both colors represents sense of possesiveness (spelling?), jealousy, mm.. well along those lines. I hope it's not true for me.. pity my wife-to-be...

glad with the new aphrodite orange template, thx Roy, ur tabulas is da best.. especially for a lazy bump like me who is too lazy to create any original template..

Anyway, this is an old song but heck, I kinda love it tonite..

=========================================

Who Am I (by Point of Grace)

Words & music by nathan and christy nockles

Over time you’ve healed so much in me, I am living proof
That although my darkest hour had come,
Your light could still shine through
Though tough at times it’s just enough to cast a shadow on the wall,
Well I am grateful that you shine a light on me at all
Who am I that you would love me so gently?
Who am I that you would recognize my name?
Lord who am i¡­that you would speak to me so softly
Conversation with the love most high who am i
Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me,
I once was lost but now I’m found, was blind but now I see,
And the more I sing that sweet old song, the more I understand.
That I do not comprehend this love that’s coming from your hand...
Who am i¡­that you would love me so gently?
Who am I that you would recognize my name?
Who am I that you would speak to me so softly
Conversation with the love most high... who am i
Grace, grace god’s grace
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within,
Grace, grace, god’s great grace
Grace that is greater than all my sin
Who am I ¡­ that you would love me so gently?
Who am I ¡­ that you would recognize my name?
Lord, who am I that you would speak to me so softly
Conversation with the love most high... who am i
Who am I
Who am I

=========================================

oh yeah.. finished watchin full house, no more dose of hye gyo for me each nite.. and what was in that lil brains of maia lee and sly when they went for ROM, and then cancel it for such a lame reason such as 'moment of weakness'? i mean.. who cares if they went for ROM and then cancel it, Britney did it anyway. but come on, i like them both for their rebel image, so gimme better and more man reason, sly.

hmm.. considering watchin my beloved avril's concert... she's coming to the town soon... sigh.. what a timing...

=================================
Ain't it sounds like a song you sing for your other half, except for feww parts? It's an RnB song, with very nice lyric
=================================

Here's My Heart ( Out of Eden feat. Katinas)

Dear Lord, Are you there, listening to my little prayer
I don't know Exactly what to say
I've been told that you love me, Hear me when i call, would help me if i fall
I should let you have your way
What I guess i'm trying to say, is I need you in my life
Cause I know i'm tired of living in the past
I would like to take a chance on a change down deep inside
I believe that this is one that's going to last, So here is..

CHORUS
Here's my heart, It's been broken, It's been wounded
But i'll give it all to you if you would love me (love me)
Here's my life, If you want it, you can have it
I will give it all to you because you love me
(your love is everything I need)

Dear Child, I'm right here, through your worries, through your fears
I've been waiting, for you to call my name
Oh you know, that I hear you, If you turn to me and trust my word is true
You will never be the same
Well I'm standing here to say, that you need me in your life
Cause I know that you can't make it on your own
Oh if you would take a chance, Let me change you deep inside
I promise you will never be alone, So here is...

CHORUS
Here's my heart, It's been broken, It's been wounded
But i'll give it all to you if you would love me (love me)
Here's my life, If you want it, you can have it
I will give it all to you because you love me
(your love is everything I need)

BRIDGE
You can turn to me and know that I am always standing by
I gave it all for you so you could have this gentle peace inside
I will follow you 'Cause I believe in everything you are
I am your father, You are my saviour and in the matters of the
heart I am taking yours and you are taking mine

CHORUS
Here's my heart, It's been broken, it's been wounded
but I'll give it all to you if you would love me (love me)
Here's my life, If you wanted you can have it
I will give it all to you because you love me(3x)

isn't saturday an off day? but some people appear to be working hard on late saturday afternoon. for example, the lady who sent me the rejection mail just now. i know i am kinda 'xan ba' here, but realllyy, i never got any rejection email or letter (i am strictly talking about job application here) before thru out my life you know.. not that i've been working for long..  i know this is sort of auto-generated email, and this lady didn't write a bit but anyway, this is historical for me lol, so i gotta paste the historical email here.. hmm now i know how to write a nice rejection letter, something that won't hurt the applicants so much..

=================================================

Dear <poor phoenix_chix>

Thank you for your interest in the position we recently advertised CL180 and for your application.

After careful consideration, I am sorry to advise that your application has not been successful on this occasion. We received a number of applications and many of these demonstrated the specific experience we were seeking for this role.

Please do not hesitate to contact us in the future if we advertise a position that is of interest to you. Thank you for your application and may we take this opportunity to wish you well in your future career.

Yours Sincerely,
Ms. Hardworking

=================================================

so the reason i was rejected could be down to these few factors:
1. my cover letter and resume sucks ( need writing makeover )
2. i got much2 better competitors for that job ( lame excuse.. )
3. i am not good looking enough to impress her ( need face makeover )
4. simply not good enough ( now that's more like it.. what to do ?? )

honestly, THAT job was one of the most interesting jobs I have been applying for.. I wasn't surprised that I didn't get the job, but I was a lilll bit sad that I didn't even get an interview...

daijobu da yo...

maybe this is what you feel...

selaku batu, ku beku,
tak kenal putih, tak tahu hitam,
kelana di lorong abu-abu,
tak tahu balas, tak ingat dendam

cobalah melawak dan jenaka,
kaku di wajah kala tawa,
jahatlah, khianatilah jangan ragu,
lupa sudah cara tersedu

maybe one day someone would say...

selayak air, ku menetes,
tak kenal hari, tak tahu musim,
ketuk hati batu walau keras,
tak tahu sepi, tak ingat kelam

coba percaya lalu tertawa,
resap ragaku jadikan satu,
tangislah, marahlah jangan bisu,
damping bayangmu, biar kucoba

why people always ask for reasons? why can't i honestly tell them that sometimes i don't have reasons for whatever i decide to or not to do...

why can't people accept that some humans, at certain times, don't act based on reasons.. why can't they accept that sometimes.. there is NO reason whatsoever... when i say NO to something..

maybe there is always a reason for whatever i do.. but i can't always translate it into words and speak it out.. and maybe sometimes, even when i can translate it, some reasons are better off kept secret... is that, also, unacceptable??

back from my 3 days malacca trip.. finally got to see that red church, red complex, old malacca fort, whatever.. i like the air there, i like the rural-feel of the site where malacca kingdom was.. feel like jambi.. how i miss that small town..

anyway.. juz wondering, ever felt that you are in the wrong crowds? but going for the right show? sometimes you just find yourself at lost, but then you say 'its okay, i'm going for the show, and it's the right show alright'.. start asking myself, is the crowds the problem? or maybe this guy here is juz antisocial, someone who couldn't really be at home among the crowds? sigh.. will anyone be in love with a person who enjoy solitude that much?

jika kamu ngga mampu menangkap apa yang ingin terucap,
kurasa ga ada orang lain yang mampu,
jika kamu ngga mampu membaca tatap mata ku,
kurasa ga ada orang lain yang mampu
ngga semua kata cinta ingin kamu dengar,
ngga semua kata sayang berarti bagimu,
mungkin dalam gelap ngga akan ada yang terluka,
dan duniamu akan tetap terjaga

bisa saja nanti hati ini ngga kuat menahan
dan bila waktunya, maafkan
percayalah aku udah coba semampuku,
agar rasa sayang ini tetap tersimpan
bagai kunang2 temani sendirimu
coba buat kamu tersenyum dalam gelap
terlupakan saat bahagia menjemputmu
dan duniamu akan tetap terjaga

=========================================

dear dear....
do you not really know who you are talking about?
or are you too afraid to admit that you've fallen for a moon rabbit?

i'd be first to admit im someone who always see the glass half empty.. i don't clap and cheer for my beloved Arsenal until the last minutes when i know the game is over and we win.. i don't go around and boast that my Arsenal will win the next match.. 

i don't talk bout how good things have been until i'm really sure bout it.. very seldom do i find myself jumping and shouting in excitement.. deep inside, i think it's all about pride... about the fear of the fact that my excitement is premature, the fear of the fact that things may turn out sour in the end.. which is something not Christ-like..

if ever there is something we, human, think as a good thing but in fact, is most likely a sin, it is that thing called 'pride'.  it is a trait you don't find in Christ. he got angry, he cried, and even trembled. but he had no pride. what he had was.. integrity... which is a different thing entirely.. pride, i believe, does not work well with faith..

if my Master let go His pride, willingly welcome this prodigal son.. what right do i have to talk about pride.. once a slave of sin, now a redeemed servant of God.. ain't the right of serving and loving my Master is the only pride i have?

so when dian said that i know all the theory, probably she would want to continue on saying 'but too stubborn to act'. her point hits home.. 

what's the point of me analyzing and knowing all these? knowledge would only turn into wisdom when i live it..

so i'm trying hard now.. my Best Friend..